Are you about to meet someone you matched with online, but you’re not totally sure what you’re walking into? If you’ve ever walked out of a first date thinking, “Wow, I just wasted two hours of my life,” you’re not alone. Most people skip a crucial question before meeting up, and it’s costing them time, sanity, and sometimes hope.
What to Ask on a First Date: The One Question You Need Before Meeting
Let’s get to it. The most underrated move in modern dating is asking about intentions before the first date. We’re not talking about a full background check or a 50-question compatibility quiz. It’s one simple question:
“What are you looking for right now?”
That’s it. Direct. No fluff. No guessing games.
What Does This Question Really Mean?
When you ask someone what they’re looking for, you’re getting clarity on their intentions. Are they interested in a relationship, just looking for something casual, or not sure yet? This isn’t about being pushy or intense. It’s about not gambling with your time and feelings.
Why People Avoid Asking About Intentions
There’s a reason this question rarely gets asked before the first date:
- Fear of seeming “too much” or “too serious.”
- Worry about scaring someone off.
- Hoping to just “see how it goes” in person.
- Assuming you’re on the same page because you matched.
The truth? If a simple question scares someone off, they probably weren’t a fit for what you want anyway.
8 Signs You’re Skipping the Most Important Pre-Date Question
Wondering if you’re walking into a date blind? Here’s how to know:
- You have no idea if they want a relationship or just a hookup.
- Their profile is vague (“Looking to meet cool people!”).
- You haven’t talked about dating goals at all, just surface stuff.
- You’re worried they’ll ghost after the first date.
- They dodge questions about past relationships or future plans.
- You’re relying on “vibes” instead of clear info.
- You feel anxious about what will happen after the date.
- You keep telling friends, “I’ll see how it goes.”
If any of these hit, you’re probably gambling with your time.
Real Examples: What This Looks Like in Messages
Here’s how this plays out in real DMs:
Example 1: Skipping the Question
You: “Excited for Friday! What’s your favorite cocktail?” Them: “I love margaritas. Can’t wait to meet you!”
Example 2: Actually Asking
You: “Before we meet, can I ask what you’re hoping for on here?” Them: “Honestly, I’m open to a relationship if it feels right, but I’m not rushing.” Or… Them: “Just want to have fun and meet new people, nothing serious.”
Example 3: Dodging
You: “Are you looking for something serious or just casual dating?” Them: “Haha, let’s just see what happens ;)”
Notice the difference? One gives you clarity. One leaves you guessing.
Quick Checklist: What to Ask on a First Date (Before You Even Meet)
- What are you looking for right now?
- Are you open to a relationship, or just casual?
- How long have you been single?
- What does your ideal weekend look like?
- Have you met people from apps before?
- Are you seeing other people right now?
- What’s your biggest red flag in dating?
- How do you feel about communication between dates?
Skim this before you set up a first meeting.
What to Do Next: Your Pre-Date Action Plan
Ready to stop gambling? Here’s how to handle this like an adult:
1. Ask Early
Slide the question in once you feel a vibe, but before the meetup. Example: “Hey, can I ask what you’re looking for on here?”
2. Don’t Apologize
You’re not being “too much.” You’re being clear. No need to soften with “Sorry if this is weird…”
3. Listen to the Answer
If they’re vague or dodge, that is your answer. If they’re honest, believe them.
4. Decide Based on Facts
If they say, “Just looking for fun,” and you want more, don’t try to change their mind.
5. Share Your Own Intentions
You can say, “I’m open to a relationship if there’s a connection. Not trying to rush, but not into casual only.”
6. Adjust or Cancel
If you’re not aligned, don’t force the date. Save both your time.
7. Repeat as Needed
If things change after a few weeks or dates, check in again. “Still on the same page?”
Counterexample: When Skipping This Question Is NOT a Red Flag
Not everyone needs a DTR (“define the relationship”) moment before coffee. Sometimes, you both just want to meet and see if there’s chemistry. If both people are genuinely open-minded and both are okay with whatever happens, skipping the intentions chat isn’t a dealbreaker. But if you feel anxious or unclear, trust your gut and ask.
If You’re the One Avoiding the Question
If you notice you’re dodging the “What are you looking for?” question, ask yourself why. Are you unsure what you want? Are you afraid to disappoint someone? It’s normal not to have it all figured out, but honesty saves everyone time. If you’re not ready for something serious, say so. If you’re looking for a relationship, own it.
What Happens After You Ask? Real-World Timelines
Asking about intentions doesn’t guarantee the date will go perfectly. But it changes the game.
- If they’re honest and aligned: You go into the date knowing what’s possible.
- If they’re vague or dodge: You save yourself the “what are we” spiral after three weeks.
- If they say something you don’t want: You move on, faster, and with less confusion.
Most people appreciate directness. If they ghost after you ask, that’s your answer—and it’s better than wasting a month.
FAQ: What to Ask on a First Date (and Before)
Q1: Isn’t it desperate to ask what someone wants before meeting?
A: No. It’s normal and healthy. If someone is turned off by clarity, they’re not for you.
Q2: What if they say something vague like “Just seeing what happens”?
A: That usually means they’re not ready to commit. Decide if you’re okay with that.
Q3: How soon should I ask?
A: Once you’ve had a few good chats, but before you meet in person.
Q4: What if I change my mind after a few dates?
A: That’s normal. Just check in again and be honest.
Q5: How do I ask without sounding intense?
A: Keep it casual: “Just curious, what are you hoping for from dating right now?”
Q6: Should I trust what people say?
A: Trust, but verify. Words matter, but actions over time matter more.
Stop Guessing—Start Asking
Dating doesn’t have to feel like a slot machine. The next time you’re setting up a date, ask about intentions first. It’s not intense. It’s smart.
If you’re still not sure whether your situation is a red flag or just normal awkwardness, paste your conversation into DateFlag AI for a quick clarity check. Sometimes you just need a second opinion—get it instantly and stop second-guessing.